Not sleeping

Well, first thoughts are to thank you all for the wonderful messages of sympathy. It means a lot to me. It feels so weird to blog about my grief and thoughts but it helps me keep track what what is flowing through my brain. Also to document something that feels completely unbelievable at the moment, for the future. To maintain some sense of normality for me in front of my computer. To remember David, sweet thoughts, flaws, funny habits and all.

My best friend just said that David sent that Herschel story from Heaven to make me laugh, then the shrill Christian post was just a bonus.

I have to learn to watch Stephen Colbert, Deadline: White House, Kimmel ... without turning to say something snarky to David and listen for his funny response. I can't tell you how many nights we both would scream obscenities at the TV or laugh at some stupid GOP stunt. I had my political partner in crime. I turned around last night and realized ... it is those seconds of reality that are a jab to the heart. He would never post anything political because of his association with the newspaper, BUT when he said something hysterical, I would run to FB and Twitter and make him repeat so I could post it ') Making me sound so saavy!

Bri took over yesterday and cleaned up one of the bedrooms, bought a used bed, she and Matt put it together,  mopped floors, cleaned the room. I said, let's paint first. She said she wanted it to be ready in case Kate, Faith or Susan comes soon. She can not be stopped right now. She is like the energizer bunny and I think I should remove the batteries.

When leaving she said, "I worry about you being here alone. I mean you could have a squatter in the basement and never know it." I laughed and promised to check that the all the doors were locked. David and I were pretty terrible about locking up the house. I think she forgets I lived alone for many, many years before I met David.

Then she sent me this message last night

"Love you so very much. I hope you know how much I love and appreciate you for everything you have ever done. For being the best mom to me and Meemaw to the girls. For raising my most kind, gentle, loving, respectful, patient etc etc etc son… you know all the qualities I lack you guys have to him. I feel so so fortunate that while my genetic parents suck, I inherited the BEST bonus ones. Love you, sleep good!"

Mason is always a step ahead and asked yesterday "What are you going to do with PawPaw's phone?" I laughed and said, that is something you have to take up with your mom. 

She is also reading my text so I warned my friends on FB, be careful what you are texting me HA HA HA. Faith said, if I start getting text from David, I am going to freak out.

We had a long conversation about donating organs, what they do, what parts they wanted. She wanted to know if they would let us know and I said yes. She is also very interested in the cremation process. 

Noah on the other hand, is thankfully oblivious. She knows David is gone but not really the details. I taught Noah how to use the iPad, Creating program yesterday and she loved it. Both kids were crammed up beside me on my big chair. Being close seems to be the order of the day right now.

So many beautiful flowers arriving. Food. Phones calls, text. It is all pretty overwhelming. David and I hate to be the center of attention of any kind so this is very uncomfortable for me. I think we just lived in the background of life, doing what we did, not paying much attention to the norms or traditions. We just had our own weird ways.

Of course we found Christmas presents hidden in his closet yesterday. The first package contained Christmas ornaments for Mason and Noah. Another box was obviously for Bri. Bri started crying and said she didn't want to see it until Christmas. I mentioned the Tomato Jam place yesterday and discovered he had ordered a big package from them. I don't know it is is being shipped or if he intended to go fetch it. I also found a charge for a big order of books. Good Lord, he is still spending money after death!

Oh, and we discovered yet another duck hidden in the closet HA HA HA

I found yet MORE comic books. He must have 5,000 comics. I have been asking him what he intends to do with this boxes upon boxes! He said he had an idea, which I am sure he did not. If Matt were interested I would not even think about selling them. BUT ... I think Bri and I are going to research a broker? A person who can advise us? To make sure there are not any too valuable. This comic obsession is all because his mother throw away his collection when he was in college. So thanks, Peggy ;)

So I was thinking today I might put on one of his favorite PBS specials, Baseball, Jazz, Civil War and just listen to them in the background while I do stuff around the house. His favorite movies were The Natural and The Last of the Mohicans and Band of Brothers. All of which we would watch over and over if we ran across them on TV.  He always cried at the end of these. 

Or I could watch Pride and Prejudice. He bought me all the versions. Or I could watch The Charlie Chan collection, he gave me that years ago. 

And life goes on. Pixie is still confused and only will eat deli roast beef. It is cloudy and foggy today, reflecting my general mood.

Minute by minute, day by day. That is how we get through this.