Spent days on ancestry.com. What a great way to spend Covid-19-lock-down time. It feels once I start discovering ancestors, I can not stop. I traced my mother's father's mother (Vera Lockhart) side back to England to my 11th great-grandfather, Sir Edward Montague born in 1530.
It is probably because I never felt the excitement of welcoming a daddy home when I was a kid, that it reallly gets to me every night when Matt comes home and all the kids run to the door, Daddy! Daddy's home!
I had a father but he was hardly around and I never felt the need to call him dad. Later I called my step-dad, dad when I was around 13. So I get highly emotional to know my grand kids have a relationship with their dad.
I would LOVE to have this singing bird!
Lots of fun on Richard Balzar's Phenakistoscope here.
Mind-Melting Animated Gifs by Nicolas Fong
While I was taking a shower today, I closed my eyes and felt like I was standing, tippy-toed at the edge of a big black hole. Thinking, I want to break down crying, screaming, wrap myself up in a blanket and not to venture out for months. But I can't, which is also my dilemma, why can't I fall apart?
Years before, in the very next room, I watched my mom take her last breath and as much as I wanted to collapse in a inconsolable heap on the floor, I did not allow myself. Instead, my son and I stood there, tightly held hands the last seconds of her life, crying in silence. This was the nightmare I had had my entire life, losing my mom ... when I was a little kid, losing my mom with no one there to take care of me was my worst fear. So now, my nightmare had come true, just in my late 50's. I really always thought I too would die the second my mom took her last breath, but I didn't. I waited for that to happen as my son held my hand.
And when I got the phone call that my brother had died, I thought, I will fall apart now. But because I had prepared myself for his untimely death for so many years ... I did not. I cried but I did not fall into the big black hole.
Today, as I filled out job applications with no one even bothering to respond for the last 6 months, I was thinking, I could work at QFC or Safeway for the next year or two. I am not above that. And then I told David, I guess, if they don't hire me, I could do Costco or McDonalds, to continue my rapid decline downhill. And that was when I felt a little like crying, falling into a pity party of epic proportions. I wanted to cry, scream and go to a place where I did not have to come back ... but for some reason, I can't allow myself to do that. WHY can't I completely lose my shit?
I don't talk to my family too much about how scared I am that I feel like I am being forced into retirement because of Covid-19? Because I am old and grey? Because I am not qualified for their job? Because I don't want to go back to school and commit to learn UX and UI design and design websites for the next 6 years of my working life? My husband does know how frustrated I am and he tells me, retire and do what you want to do, art. But a new 11K roof needed, a 6K replacement deck (ours is literally rotting), and many other costly projects around the house makes me think I should keep working for a year or two. Not to mention, David and I need a new car, or at least a car that starts, or has heat.
To be fair, David and I both have very generous savings, IRA's, etc. So I hate to whine and complain too much. It could be much worse for us. I think about retired people in our socioeconomic situation and how they get get by. If I start taking my SS retirement my next birthday, it will be $300 less then it would be if I waited until I was 66.4 years of age. I mean $300 could be an health insurance payment or a car payment or a heating bill? These are the questions that I did not think I would be making at this point of my life, but there lies the problem. I have not looked retirement in the last couple of years squarely in the eyes and have an honest conversation about the future.
I love getting all of this off my chest in my journal. I hope someday my family will actually read my blog and think ... "oh, that was what she was thinking/feeling?" I love this blog (have always called it my best friend), my way of keeping tabs of what is going on in my life ... as silly as it all is. And I do have my family here, close to me, as painful as that it sometimes (big puppies, shitty diapers, markers on the wall and all) to love me, support me, and be with me. So, maybe this is all a mute point. ;)
As the kids and dogs destroy our home at an alarming speed, mangled cabinet doors, Murphy's massive muddy paw prints on floors and doors, Noah has developed a penchant for making big drawings on the walls. In some fantasy to keep my mind from going south, I am watching home remodeling shows to keep my imagination happy. Am losing my mind here? Did I mention the kids got a new dog for for their kids for Christmas? Murphy, a English Mastiff?
I never thought I would like black kitchen cabinetry, but I love this. From Devol Kitchens 2020 dream kitchens. My friend Robin is remodeling her kitchen and we talk about it every day, which is probably why I am stuck on kitchen remodeling at the moment.
I woke up in the wee hours to get David and I signed up for Covid-19 vaccine with no results and ended up on kitchens in Scotland? I think Mason might start attending school again and I am really nervous about
that, but there are no vaccines available anywhere. I am only 64 but with the multi-generational situation here, I qualified for vaccine. 
