Monday, April 30, 2007

My Last Weekdays Off

I had a counseling meeting today with M's English teacher. Collected M at school and took him to school baseball practice, then ran over grabbed him for Little League baseball game. Snagging a hamburger at his request, coming home to change clothes. We had a very good conversation about his time on the computer, about his "F" in English, my conversation with his teacher and how we can turn this all around. I find these "alone" times in our driving from A to B are our most intimate, heart-felt talks take place.

It occurs to me in all of this running around, this is the last time I will be able to drive him around like this during the week. And my heart aches. I have finaglling ways to have weekdays off so I could be a part of M's life during school and after, at least a couple of days a week for so long, I feel like the great manipulator.

I volunteered in his classes elementary school, back when he wanted me to be there. I remembered breaking down a couple of years ago when they said that I would have to move to a regular shift. Running outside to have a hysterical cry and it hit me hard, I have worked most of M's life away. And it hurt and I cried harder. In that moment, I was hoping he would forgive me later for being so selfish. The only bright spot in my breakdown was that my mom has been here to monitor, drive him, cook dinner every night ... and he did not have to live out his afternoons in day care ... which I did. I hated daycare and never wanted my son to endure that boredom. And D is always there for baseball, trombone lessons and everything in between. I often ask myself, "How do the single moms do it?" There are THREE adults in this house and we are in constant motion keeping up with M's activities.

I have been maneuvering every moment so I could have some time with M and have some time to myself and still have a fulfilling job. Being home on Saturdays and Sundays off is akin to having tickets to a weekend circus ... no quiet time, no time clean house while it is empty, no time to do any artwork. So, this being my last Monday and Tuesday off ... I am having my little pity party ...

My mindset tonight is ... change is always difficult, but it can also be good. That I have a good job and will give it my all, as I have since I started there. And I will have lots of books on tapes to listen to on my long commute home. It's all good. ;)


kelly said...

hang in there chickie...i would be
feeling the same way. i love that
you enjoy this time with him. you should - they grow so fast. i know what you mean about, chasing
your tail. i have two the same age! right now it is trucking to
the golf course. but that is why
i began working at home. it is still madness - but i am here. my husband is an athletic director. so he is never home, and is great about helping when he can. you are lucky that you have your mom there to help out. i can't even imagine having my mom in this house full time. love her, but love my space even more.hee

i will be thinking of you!

Sam said...

Don't be too hard on yourself.
Kids are very resilient. And life is just the way it is.
I know how you feel though, I worked fulltime with my first 2. It was easy with my oldest, he loved daycare. But my second hated it. Luckily I was able to have my mom watch her most of the time. When I decided to have a third- I knew I just couldn't do it anymore- and quit working. Very hard choice. And I question that decision everyday as much as I questioned working. I miss it. I miss the income. I miss having my own thing, my own desk, and my work friendships.
Hang in there. You will get in a routine and things will be better!


jill said...

Man o Man can I relate. Well, not to feeling like I'm missing out on time with children, but more like missing out on time for ME.

My last job (in Dallas) afforded me an extra 10 hours a week (4- 7hour work days with Mondays off...) Man I miss those hours. And for a 30 hour a week job, the pay was good. Not to mention the flexibility of changing it up depending on our needs, not to mention top of the line everything; computers, desk chairs, office supplies, gorgeous building all financed from a Well to Do Foundation. What was I thinking leaving?

My current non-profit job; desk from 1945, chair from 1975 and dust and dirt from 1200 BC. ugh. I guess as a nonprofit-er I can't complain, we'll take what we can get, but after living the "high life" with the cushy schedule I'm kicking myself daily and feeling very depressed.

Hang in there... everything in life is temporary. It's all preperation for somethig better to come!! (or at least that is what I keep telling myself!)

Deborah said...

I hope the change brings something fresh and new that you don't expect.

Joshilyn Jackson's books are excellent and she reads them herself in the recordings. Seriously... order them, or check them out, or track them down TODAY!