I had a counseling meeting today with M's English teacher. Collected M at school and took him to school baseball practice, then ran over grabbed him for Little League baseball game. Snagging a hamburger at his request, coming home to change clothes. We had a very good conversation about his time on the computer, about his "F" in English, my conversation with his teacher and how we can turn this all around. I find these "alone" times in our driving from A to B are our most intimate, heart-felt talks take place.
It occurs to me in all of this running around, this is the last time I will be able to drive him around like this during the week. And my heart aches. I have finaglling ways to have weekdays off so I could be a part of M's life during school and after, at least a couple of days a week for so long, I feel like the great manipulator.
I volunteered in his classes elementary school, back when he wanted me to be there. I remembered breaking down a couple of years ago when they said that I would have to move to a regular shift. Running outside to have a hysterical cry and it hit me hard, I have worked most of M's life away. And it hurt and I cried harder. In that moment, I was hoping he would forgive me later for being so selfish. The only bright spot in my breakdown was that my mom has been here to monitor, drive him, cook dinner every night ... and he did not have to live out his afternoons in day care ... which I did. I hated daycare and never wanted my son to endure that boredom. And D is always there for baseball, trombone lessons and everything in between. I often ask myself, "How do the single moms do it?" There are THREE adults in this house and we are in constant motion keeping up with M's activities.
I have been maneuvering every moment so I could have some time with M and have some time to myself and still have a fulfilling job. Being home on Saturdays and Sundays off is akin to having tickets to a weekend circus ... no quiet time, no time clean house while it is empty, no time to do any artwork. So, this being my last Monday and Tuesday off ... I am having my little pity party ...
My mindset tonight is ... change is always difficult, but it can also be good. That I have a good job and will give it my all, as I have since I started there. And I will have lots of books on tapes to listen to on my long commute home. It's all good. ;)