The great refrigerator clean-out

I tried to tune out yesterday. I did not want to watch politics. About 7pm, I said, okay, I have to have wine and watch some of the results. So I ran to the local deli, opened the wine and turned on MSNBC. I HAD to have the wine to get through that! Trying NOT to get too depressed but it was not great, was not as bad as it could have been. Oz lost. I think booboo boebert lost. But really, a run-off between herschal and Warnock, come on Georgia, that is just f*cking embarrassing. Who in their right minds vote for an imbecile like herschel just to get control? HE IS AN IDIOT. But Texas has still lost it's collective mind ... keeping all of their clowns in place. 

A friend ask me to attend a talk with her today and I just could not. I am not really in the mindset to go somewhere, be with people, talk to people, think about anything but trying to get stuff done before the memorial in Dec. I told her I feel like such a loser for not wanting to mingle or learn something new.

I need to get bedrooms ready for people to stay in. A house cleaned. Photos scanned in. Playlist together. Catering service to pick and pay for. Rental chairs to order. Write a speech. Thankfully Bri is helping me with this list. 

But my main concern today is cleaning out the refrigerator. It has not been touched since David passed away and I can hardly open the door without gagging. 

I swear I don't understand some of the used-by-dates because some are 2021 ... and I know whatever the item is has not been there THAT long.

I have gathered up a bunch of bags. I am not opening most of the cartons of whatever. I am just assuming it is green or black and stinky inside. 

I think it was the really nasty, smelly French Brie, a couple of them, really mucking up the refrigerator. A couple of unidentifiable meat dishes and many tubs of humus.

I took the kitchen clock down to change the time and clean on Sunday. Every time I walked through the kitchen I looked at at that wall for the time. And when it was not there, it was very stressful. I guess I always look at the clock and it did not register because the clock is always there. It feels like an inappropriate comparison, but I think David is like the clock on the wall. It was always there to reaffirm my time, my day, my space. I walk through a room looking for David to be sitting at his desk. 

I guess I missed the full moon last night which shocks me since I was awake at 4am. Pixie wants in and out, in and out. She goes out and forgets what she has gone out for. I could not really go back to sleep and ended up watching something on Acorn called "Finding Alice". "Alice's husband of 20 years, Harry, falls down the stairs and dies soon after the couple move into the dream home he designed. Alice discovers that some men, including her late husband, hide stuff that they don't want to deal with."

 A little humor with the reality of death.  

The Stages of Grief: Accepting the Unacceptable  - maybe you can experience many of the stages at once?

Denial - 

avoidance 

procrastination 

forgetting 

easily distracted 

mindless behaviors 

keeping busy all the time 

thinking/saying, “I’m fine” or “it’s fine” 

 

Maybe I am entering the beginnings of Anger? 

 

Or maybe I am already at Depression - 

sleep and appetite changes 

reduced energy 

reduced social interest --- definitely have this one 

reduced motivation crying --- not too much crying 

increased alcohol or drug use --- I don't have any drugs?

Oh, and I deleted my twitter and David's account.