Thursday, August 10, 2006

Acceptance

I am trying to take part in Liz's daily reflection meditation. I have been reading some heartwrenching and interesting post on this challenge.

My reflection brings me full circle. My grandmother’s eyes and wrinkles around the mouth. The dangle earrings my mom insisted I wear yesterday. Hair color fading to reveal grey roots. The long furrow between my eyebrows now a permanent indention.

Of course, I am overweight. But does it really matter? When I get tired of it, I will lose weight. I am old. I do not see the 50-year-old looking back at me that I do when I see the 50-year-old looking back at me in a photograph. In the mirror my younger spirit shines through. In print the spirit seems lost and only the double chin remains.

One day ago I was 40, taking my son to elementary school, watching him learn to read.

Two days ago I was 35, terrified of becoming a mother and wife.

Three days ago I was 30; single, often depressed, wondering what it would be like to be 50, childless. Journaling about someone who did not love me. Crying in my beer. A lot of beer. Trying to envision my life full of friends, events and travel.

Four days ago I was 20, living on the edge of my life in London. Depressed, broke, and worried about my weight, my money situation. Not enjoying the moment.

Five days ago I was 10, swimming and dreaming of becoming a fashion designer. Always self-conscience about the way I looked. The way I didn’t look like my beautiful mom, or her beautiful friends. Always awkward, always insecure.

And that is just about how fast the time flutters by. In retrospect – all that worry got me nowhere. That depression – precious time lost. Concern about the future – you have little or no control of it so try to enjoy the moment.

So now when I look deep into my eyes and meditate on me. I see me. The real me. The “content-with-life” me. The “I-love-my-son-so-much-I want-to-be-stable” me. That was a big concern of mine, my depression, my ups and downs. Still with all my worries but trying to enjoy my life. With all my baggage from the past. But trying to keep it all in perspective and not let it ruin the possibility of a terrific day.

acceptance410

22 comments:

Green Kitchen said...

Thanks for the post. It's a good reminder.

mati rose said...

this is beautifully written, and thank you for being you, too.

herself said...

wow, Kim, that was gorgeous, both the post's writing and the art. Beautifully written and conceived.

The Linda said...

beautifully written, indeed, and so inspirational.

liz elayne said...

i love this...this trip into your past that honors who you are. the fact that you truly see yourself.
thank you for sharing this.
my heart feels bigger reading your words.

Janet said...

Being older than you, I can appreciate fully how fast time flies. I love how you described it. Acceptance is sometimes difficult but it is also very rewarding. But I don't have to tell you that! You already know it. This is truly a beautiful post.

vicci said...

Hi Kim...How are ya??? I LOVE this post!! It is sooo true! Your SPIRIT does shine on...and on....and on....! Love, Vicci

Colorsonmymind said...

Very beautiful perspective.

I respect that desire to be stable-to temper the ups and downs.

You are a beautiful woman.

penelope said...

Beautiful and wise. Thank you.

Balwearie said...

What a lovely post! So simple and so beautiful and I love the illustration.

Kim Carney said...

thank you one and all! There are some advantages to being 50 and I truly think acceptance is one. Now that I have thought over this post for a couple of days. Many sad feelings arise, but I will hold true to ... I want the chance to have a great day, no matter what. And I like being who I am.

windblownbutterfly said...

Kim, I am about one and a half days younger than you, but feeling old far too soon. I could see much of myself in what you wrote, and you wrote it beautifully. I especially like your words, "...all that worry got me nowhere." Amen to that! I still tend to worry about too much too often, but you are so right, it has gotten me nowhere. Sometimes I think it not only gets me nowhere, it actually pushes me back a few steps as well.

phlegmfatale said...

You know, Kim, this is a great object lession in the "perception-is-reality" school of thought. You are and always have been one of the most beautiful people inside AND out, and that you felt you weren't beautiful because you have a different look from that of your mother is eye-opening indeed. I see you at 31 with that Kate Hepburn energy, working the haberdashery - you looked like dynamite! And you remain absolutely beautiful.
And for having battled depression, you have certainly done incredibly productive things with your time. And I suspect the best is yet to come.

s'mee said...

Kim, this post was so well written and insightful, so amazing that I read it out loud to Thor. He was as impressed as I.

This is why I love you, dear blogger friend, your talent is only exceeded by your beautiful Spirit.

kathy said...

Beautiful post. You captured it all perfectly.

shash said...

oh, this post was so nice for me to read right now. and so wonderfully written. thank you! your spirit shines in your self portraits, your words and your art!!

Deborah said...

So lovely. Whatever may be in the mirror, I know you "reflect" ART is so very many ways through your blog. Thank you.

tiffinix said...

What a full and beautiful post. So moving and wonderfully written. Acceptance. . .indeed. Beautiful.

Shannon said...

Gorgeous post. I love the timelines and the moments and the matches and the contrasts. I guess it's so true you never know where you will end up.

kanin said...

Wonderful post full of wisdom that shines through! The part about "one day ago..." etc is really something to keep in mind, I think. Wonderfully written! Keep shining!

Lina said...

This is very wise and beautifully written.

Alicia P. said...

Mmm. Yes.