I am trying to take part in Liz's daily reflection meditation. I have been reading some heartwrenching and interesting post on this challenge.
My reflection brings me full circle. My grandmother’s eyes and wrinkles around the mouth. The dangle earrings my mom insisted I wear yesterday. Hair color fading to reveal grey roots. The long furrow between my eyebrows now a permanent indention.
Of course, I am overweight. But does it really matter? When I get tired of it, I will lose weight. I am old. I do not see the 50-year-old looking back at me that I do when I see the 50-year-old looking back at me in a photograph. In the mirror my younger spirit shines through. In print the spirit seems lost and only the double chin remains.
One day ago I was 40, taking my son to elementary school, watching him learn to read.
Two days ago I was 35, terrified of becoming a mother and wife.
Three days ago I was 30; single, often depressed, wondering what it would be like to be 50, childless. Journaling about someone who did not love me. Crying in my beer. A lot of beer. Trying to envision my life full of friends, events and travel.
Four days ago I was 20, living on the edge of my life in London. Depressed, broke, and worried about my weight, my money situation. Not enjoying the moment.
Five days ago I was 10, swimming and dreaming of becoming a fashion designer. Always self-conscience about the way I looked. The way I didn’t look like my beautiful mom, or her beautiful friends. Always awkward, always insecure.
And that is just about how fast the time flutters by. In retrospect – all that worry got me nowhere. That depression – precious time lost. Concern about the future – you have little or no control of it so try to enjoy the moment.
So now when I look deep into my eyes and meditate on me. I see me. The real me. The “content-with-life” me. The “I-love-my-son-so-much-I want-to-be-stable” me. That was a big concern of mine, my depression, my ups and downs. Still with all my worries but trying to enjoy my life. With all my baggage from the past. But trying to keep it all in perspective and not let it ruin the possibility of a terrific day.
This morning is the last day of week nine.
40 minutes ago