Sullen Self - SPT 05.09

Self-Portrait Tuesday has changed to Self-Portrait Challenge. This is the second part of my introduction. I feel like I have all ready told many aspects of myself in previous SPT, and I certainly don't want to be redundant.

I remember being a very sullen, intense little girl and looking at the photographs confirms that memory. I don't think I was always unhappy but I looked liked I was. I was the only child of a divorced mom until I was 12. So, that cemented the "loner" part of my personality. My mom dressed me like a little princess. Dresses that had crinoline slips. I was not allowed to "get dirty" which explains why I love to live in paint clothes today.

I have to admit I always felt different from everyone else. Not so much better, but set apart. Not a part of the world as I see it. Never a part of the world that I wanted to be a part of, that part always seemed to shun me. My mom dated a man for many years whom I adored and wanted them to get married so he could be my dad. They did not and I finally came to terms with all of that at the age of 30! I was close to my dad and step-mom but did not see them on a daily basis. My mom did eventually remarry, a good father to me, but a raging alcoholic which only got worse with age. They eventually divorced, but that is another terrible story of pain including my half-brother battling his own drug/alcohol addictions.





I have always felt, even now, that I am on the outside looking into life. I wish I could feel I was on the inside. I try to change that, but still, things happen that confirm that I feel like an alien. I consider myself a "loner" and being with animals is always a comfort. I felt perfectly at ease riding by myself in a pasture, just the sound of the wind and the scent of weeds scorching in a hot Texas sun.





I believe in justice and fairness, am often sorely disappointed in the world and people on those two scores. I have been on the wrong side of relationships many times and am shocked how easily people can break hearts, use people for their own gains, and go on living with themselves as if they had done nothing wrong. And I will not even go into shocking world events that keeps my sense of justice in a whirlwind all the time. I am disgusted why we adore movie stars, cling to their every move, word but not everyday people who really do something noteworthy with their lives.



I was an outlaw in my 20's. Had the best time, had wonderful, crazy friends. Had as many best male friends as female best friends. Was a homecoming queen x 2. Never sure how that happened. But I came out of my sullen self. Majored in art and stayed in school far longer than I should have. I loved living in the academic world. Looking back I wish I had taken it all more seriously, but I didn't and can't change it now. There are just some things in your life you must accept as they are and understand that they developed who you are now.

I love warm sea water, sealife, suntans, bathing suits, scuba diving, finding shells at the beach. But I have not done any of those things in many, many years. I spent many teenage years on an island in the Mediterrean and lived at the beach. That was heaven. I finally got a glimpse of who I could be when I was in my early 30's. I finally became strong, self-confident, independent with a sense of what I wanted in my life. Never allowing anyone to take advantage of me, never depending on another for financial security, or personal happiness. And about that point, I became a mother. Thankfully, I had discovered myself, my patience was firmly established, my party days were over. It was a good time for me to meet my husband and start a family. And although I did not think I wanted children, I have had the time of my life being a mother, learned what is truly important. Now, that might have been as much as I have ever written in on of my post - are you still awake?