Saturday, May 27, 2006

First Loves

I saw this post on gkgirl's blog and discovered Sunday Scribblings prompt of First Loves. Although I am not a contributor, it did bring up some suppressed hurt feelings and regrets. And I felt the need to jot it down.

Lessons of first loves, and women who fall in love with your first love.

SHE was my friend.
He would say why don’t you wear the color lipstick SHE does. Why didn’t I see?
When he kicked me out, SHE said “why don’t you come live with me?” then in 5 days she hung her clothes in the closet that was once mine. Calculating?
SHE always showed up at our house claiming to feel like the third wheel, and I would say “don’t be silly! Naïve?
SHE could make the perfect Beef Wellington and Ice Cream Bomb and always invited us to parties given by her friends. Showing me up?
SHE threw me a birthday party and her friends gave me a scarf with the card inscribed to Isadora Duncan. Cruel?
SHE always looked perfect. SHE loved gladiolas. SHE had perfectly manicured nails. SHE was the daughter of a doctor. I was awkward, unsure, immature.
SHE suggested that her friend give me a perm then he said I was crazy for doing weird things to my hair. Coincidence that my perm looked like Bozo the clown hair?
SHE held his hand and his gaze in line at the movie theater 7 days after I moved out. I left the mall and vomited.
SHE giggled, shone of happiness and exuded confidence. I was clueless and trusting.
I saw a photo of her recently, brightly smiling, hair whipped to perfection, pearls. SHE is married to my first love.

It took me years of journaling, licking my wounds, introspection to see clearly how I had been blind-sided. I was humiliated that I had been so stupid, so simple-minded, so trusting, how easily my life had manipulated for someone's gain. I have seen this phenomenon happen many times since with my own friend's 'relationships gone bad', but when men have done something unforgivable to someone they claim to have once loved - they treat that wife, or girlfriend as if they are crazy, they are the bitch, it is all their fault, will not speak to them. It all makes for crazy "break-up" times when you are feeling unbalanced anyway. Why can't the "dumper" just have the balls to tell the "dumped" the truth. It would so refreshing, so less hurtful. Here, like this would have been sad, but completely acceptable: "Kim, I think you are a swell gal, and I thought I loved you, but I fell in love with this other person over here who is a better match for me and I am really sorry". Wouldn't that be easier to cope with? It would take less time to try and figure out what happened? All that angst over "what did I do wrong?" I have been through many and seen my friends go through many 'being dumped" and I have never heard this rational explanation come out of the offender’s mouth....

With all of that said, I am glad that it happened just as it did. In retrospect, they were much better suited to each other. I learned that I am not or could never be a devious, don't have a clue how to be calculating or manipulating, would never choose a love affair over a friendship. I learned that I should never depend on someone else and to always have my own finances in order. I learned that I was important and that I was not crazy. And the best part was all of my "loves" were yet to come. My husband and the light of my light, my son - a first love like no other!


Sandra said...

well SHE sounds like a complete b**** to me. And YOU should've called your blog "Somebody Special" instead of "Something to Say", because after reading you for over a year, I think that YOU are wonderful :o)
(Your post made me wonder why Life does things like that to us. Maybe we're here to learn? Learn what kind of people to stay away from, what kind of people are not right for us,etc.)

Karan said...

The same thing happened to me...and I actually felt more betrayed by her than by him...lots of things took a long time to get over. My ex-friend actually had the gaul to wonder why I couldn't just move on and still be friends with her. I told her then and I still believe that my life improved when she was no longer a part of it.

Kim Carney said...

Thank you Sandra and Karan! Sandra, you are so wonderful to me. Yes, I think we are here to learn. Karan, That makes me soooo mad! Can some people really move on like that?

mati rose said...

Ugh, what a story! I love reading your stories of strength and from the perspective of the life you have and treasure now.

Linda said...

Oh my, I don't do well with breakups and your story brought back every sad memory of ones I've ever had. Having gone through it, you would never wish it on anyone.

I think the sad stuff, the hard stuff, the heartbreaking stuff, the really torturous stuff imparts in us some kind of substance, whether it be perserverance, strength, compassion. It's tough lessons oftentimes. Glad yours worked out, is working out, for the best. That would certainly be the ideal hope, in the end.

phlegmfatale said...

It's unthinkable that someone could so misuse an angel like you, Kimmer. He didn't deserve you anyway.

s'mee said...

Oh Kim. Over the past few months I have come to think of you as "friend", and this post makes me understand why you are the person you are, and also grrrrr type of mad when I think of women out there who will do what they 'need' to to get a man! UGH!

How delightful it is to see that not only did you grow from the experience, found positive things in such horrendous situations, but have also given all of us something to ponder about ourselves and friendships/relationships. You write beautifully. I am sad that someone hurt you so wrongfully, but I applaud you for making a wonderful life for you and your son.

Heather said...

Thank you for sharing your thoughts. Been through a divorce, was the trusting one who was cheated on in the end. Ugly. Whatever happens, happens for a reason. I didn't see the forest through the trees and the sunlight on the horizon was all the things that came after those painful days and years. Smiles to you,

Shelly said...

Thank-you for sharing. SHE was awful.
The birthday scarf was a horrid thing to do a person. So glad you found the one true love and now your son.