I saw this post on gkgirl's blog and discovered Sunday Scribblings prompt of First Loves. Although I am not a contributor, it did bring up some suppressed hurt feelings and regrets. And I felt the need to jot it down.
Lessons of first loves, and women who fall in love with your first love.
SHE was my friend.
He would say why don’t you wear the color lipstick SHE does. Why didn’t I see?
When he kicked me out, SHE said “why don’t you come live with me?” then in 5 days she hung her clothes in the closet that was once mine. Calculating?
SHE always showed up at our house claiming to feel like the third wheel, and I would say “don’t be silly! Naïve?
SHE could make the perfect Beef Wellington and Ice Cream Bomb and always invited us to parties given by her friends. Showing me up?
SHE threw me a birthday party and her friends gave me a scarf with the card inscribed to Isadora Duncan. Cruel?
SHE always looked perfect. SHE loved gladiolas. SHE had perfectly manicured nails. SHE was the daughter of a doctor. I was awkward, unsure, immature.
SHE suggested that her friend give me a perm then he said I was crazy for doing weird things to my hair. Coincidence that my perm looked like Bozo the clown hair?
SHE held his hand and his gaze in line at the movie theater 7 days after I moved out. I left the mall and vomited.
SHE giggled, shone of happiness and exuded confidence. I was clueless and trusting.
I saw a photo of her recently, brightly smiling, hair whipped to perfection, pearls. SHE is married to my first love.
It took me years of journaling, licking my wounds, introspection to see clearly how I had been blind-sided. I was humiliated that I had been so stupid, so simple-minded, so trusting, how easily my life had manipulated for someone's gain. I have seen this phenomenon happen many times since with my own friend's 'relationships gone bad', but when men have done something unforgivable to someone they claim to have once loved - they treat that wife, or girlfriend as if they are crazy, they are the bitch, it is all their fault, will not speak to them. It all makes for crazy "break-up" times when you are feeling unbalanced anyway. Why can't the "dumper" just have the balls to tell the "dumped" the truth. It would so refreshing, so less hurtful. Here, like this would have been sad, but completely acceptable: "Kim, I think you are a swell gal, and I thought I loved you, but I fell in love with this other person over here who is a better match for me and I am really sorry". Wouldn't that be easier to cope with? It would take less time to try and figure out what happened? All that angst over "what did I do wrong?" I have been through many and seen my friends go through many 'being dumped" and I have never heard this rational explanation come out of the offender’s mouth....
With all of that said, I am glad that it happened just as it did. In retrospect, they were much better suited to each other. I learned that I am not or could never be a devious, don't have a clue how to be calculating or manipulating, would never choose a love affair over a friendship. I learned that I should never depend on someone else and to always have my own finances in order. I learned that I was important and that I was not crazy. And the best part was all of my "loves" were yet to come. My husband and the light of my light, my son - a first love like no other!
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