Thursday, October 06, 2011

The ugly truth, verbalized

This came in my email ... It's not too late to enjoy a rewarding career‏

From Daily Om: Frequently, in walking through our fear, we discover that the strength of our fright was out of sync with reality.

I verbalized my fears to a friend yesterday who thought I wasn't being a good friend lately .... 

I  know I have not shared with you and anyone else how depressed and scared I have been the last year. How many mental breakdowns I have during the week. Ugly sobbing and crazy pleas to God to help me find my way. How the last 4 years at my last job completely devastated me and my self-esteem and ego. How I feel the little bit of talent I ever possessed has been diminished and I question my ability daily.

How exhausted my mind is from constantly learning new task, new programs, new technology. How I am trying to absorb new technology so I might qualify for a job, any job. And how I am trying to figure out how I will survive if no one actually hires me again. How all of the hard work and long hours in my past careers do not seem to matter or qualify me for anything now.

How scrambled my brain is from trying to figure out how to become a viable working woman again. How I have not been unemployed since I was 20 and how frustrating it is to apply for jobs daily and not have one word of response.

How I haven't felt that I had to time (or money) to have a vacation. How I don't feel like I even have the privilege of a free day to clean my house. (I have decided this is a freelance dilemma with other friends that freelance). How I don't enjoy small things I once loved in my home.

How I don't feel free to go shopping and haven't even purchased a magazine in the last year. That even window shopping seems like a luxury that I don't have anymore. Sadly, my Pinterest feels like my window shopping alternative.

How I feel like it is a constant juggle with all the stuff that is flying around in my mind … and not to have my head explode from my shoulders. How the list in my head is so long that I am afraid it has actually taken over the space where my brain once was. How I feel I am dying inside and I can't stop the ugly process.

I know you have many of these same issues in your own vernacular. I am just trying to cope with my present situation in the only way I can. I hope this makes it a little more clear what is going on in my interior. 

I do feel like this some of the time. The other 1/2 of the time I feel challenged in a the most wonderful way to find a new path for myself. I guess, in the light of so many in my situation, I should share more of these feelings people don't want to read about. The ugly truth of many of my age in their present situation during our economic meltdown. I know we are not suppose to share the ugly side of our perfect lives in our blogs. But there you have it, I am struggling to find my way. In case you hadn't all ready guessed most of this, if you have read my blog for the last 7 years. My life is far from perfect.

That doesn't mean I don't see the beauty in a weed sprouting in my neighbors yard when I am passing by. The complete awe of flowers turning into seedpods. That I don't enjoy learning new technology while I am helping my friend build new websites. That I don't get a thrill watching hours of ... I do and always will (want to be a lifetime student). That I don't have moments in the quiet of my garage with power tools that I break down and cry in joy to see what I have created, and laugh a little bit. I am completely thankful for what I have, my friends, my abilities, especially my family. I am thankful. I am lucky. I am blessed in so many ways.

It only means, that I am human. And I am trying hard to find joy, substance, meaning in my present situation. Does that make sense?


Shelley Noble said...

Well, all I can say is that you are indeed talented. Multi-talented even.

Everything is relative anyway. We are all more talented than some, less than others, etc.

You're describing moments of creativity and joy punctuated with moments of despair. Stresses, triumphs, hopes, efforts, a longing to rest in direct conflict with an ambition to accomplish.

Yep, makes sense to me.

Jan said...

It makes perfect sense...and, truth be known, I think we all feel this way when it feels like life pulled the rug out from under us. We question, fear, and lose our footing, and sometimes our way. I hope verbalizing feelings helps to relieve the pent up pressure...I thing I know for are beyond smart and talented...wishing you the best.

Erin Wilson said...

Truth is beautiful.
Honesty with ourselves is beautiful.
Openness that lights the way for others is beautiful.

Nothing ugly here.

-a fan :)

wordybird said...

you absolutely make sense. i'm 57 and i am so incredibly grateful to be employed. i work with several other women close to my age - and that includes my boss - we regularly acknowledge how fortunate we are and how much we don't want to ever have to look for another job. age discrimination is a reality. i applaud you for sharing some of your real life on your blog. don't be afraid to use it to vent. you don't have to pretend everything is perfect when it's not.

Kim Carney said...

Thank you all so very much for always understanding my little 'outburst" and being so very supportive of me and my efforts! I can't tell you how so very much it means to me. xoxoxoxo