But driving home I started comtemplating why. What has happened to me? Is it menapause? I thought I was through the worst of it. Did my drive haul ass when I turned 50? Leaving me in the middle of a dark road, without a map or flashlight? Is it my new schedule? Has not having that one extra day send my into a tail spend?
Am I feeling completely defeated by life? Dirty, dusty rooms, laundry needing an iron, junk, toilets needed fixing, dryers going out, yard needing attention, cars needing cleaning ... the list I carry around in my head makes it heavy and hard to hold up. And of course, I recoil in guilt thinking, "Listen, Kim, at least you HAVE a house to clean, a yard to enjoy, water to bath in, a toilet to use ..."
My sparkle is gone and I want it back. My ideas have not dried up ... I want to get back in a place that I am excited. A place where my exhilaration pushes me through, makes me want to stay up all night making something, anything.
Today, I made myself get off the sofa, drank lots of coffee and cleaned three rooms! Progress. This week, after work, my art takes a front seat. I will get accomplish something, even if it is a small thing.
12 comments:
Hi Kim!
I just love this shot! I have been wondering what camera you use the most for your photography?
Ciao!
Kim
Hello Kim. I used a Pentax optio W10 ... it is a little waterproof point and shoot, that has a good macro lens, 3x zoom! very easy to use. The other camera I use is a rebel canon xt ... still learning that one ;) Thank you so much for stopping by.
oh, I know just how you feel!
I notice that you have lots of energy that you put into appreciating other people's art...so I'm sure you still got the drive, it's just in park right now. I love the stuff I see that you do so I'm thinking if you pick up the drawing pad, the paint brush, the charcoal and just do it, you'll start kicking back into practice. That's what I think.
Kim, the photograph is brilliant. If that was your one contribution to the universe it would be enough. Quit beating yourself up. We are all the same in our self-doubt I suspect. You touch people, put feelers out there all over the place. Make random people think, or say oh yes, I feel that way too, or just smile and say oh my...that is brilliant. Adele
I'm pretty sure it's the new schedule, Kim. We'd all be shocked to know how much sleep is really needed to be rested. A full recharged has got to be fundamental to just being able to handle the maintenance of household and family type peoples, let alone getting ourselves into the art studio, AFTER WORK, with a long and early morning commute! I'm more tired just picturing your days!
T'aint nuthin' wrong with you that a downshift wouldn't cure right away!~ Good luck making that happen!
kim....how appropriate is that foto? okay - let's go girlie...you and i need some rejuvenation. lets just do it, more art - screw some of the household things, we deserve art time and we just have to get it done, make that the priority. you are too talented to waste that time, me too! cmon' you know you want too!
Hey! Good for you! Three rooms! I'm glad you'll take some time for your art this week. Make it your priority!
I know the overwhelming feeling you talk about. I know it well... Someone told me to write down all my to-do's and get them out of my head. LOL Then I end up with stacks of lists... LOL! but at least my head is clear and I can focus on what I want to do...
~Cyndi
Atta girl, although I am so enamored of your photography that to say that your art is suffering makes me scratch my head. I will say that every one of my friends of this age and myself all went through the same experience of feeling disjointed and lost. Happy to say that the worst of it passed but I still feel overwhelmed by the whole art thing. I have a million ideas and I just can't seem to focus. Somedays are better than others and doing something is better than nothing. Being an artist often requires a larger selfish gene. I find it hard to live with but I'm getting better. You will too.
Cleaning will give you space to feel free and create. And it's amazing what you find along the way that will inspire, though (or, at least me; I'm a very messy packrat. Sigh).
Make time for your artwork. It's all so lovely, so insightful. Menopause? New work? Cleaning? Something will always be there to try and throw a wrench into our plans. Keep your focus and keep the fire in your heart for art burning clear and bright and just do it, woman! Arrrr! I need to listen to my own words. The struggle to find our voices, to find the time to express ourselves, seems to be ongoing and widespread. You're not alone. Everyone of us is capable of such greatness and grace, even in little acts, bit by bit. Keep at it Kim.
Sending strong, encouraging thoughts to you today.
:)
Wendee
Big (((hugs)))!!
I have a few years before 50 arrives, and I must say I wonder if this will happen to me. However, I think what you need is exactly what you are doing. I have found that whn my house is in order,not perfect,perhaps not dusted, but in order, my creative juices low. Having left the "baggage" of a house in order clears my head. When I jump into a project my studio gets messy, and that is a reward in itself because then I must clean it before starting another project which means I am inspired again for the next project. This may sound silly,but it works for me. Another tip when my engine is slow,I buy something fun to create with like a few new strands of beads, or a 1/4 yd of fancy velvet or silk...that never fails! Good luck in your creating! Love your blog.
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