The Ugly Side Of Bliss

I was not going to get too personal. or long and wordy, on my blog, so this is a little different. But reading Feb. 21st Newsweek issue 'The Myth of the Perfect Mother' struck a nerve in me. I am relieved.to know, and I have known, but maybe seeing it in writing, in a major magazine, makes me feel less crazy somehow. It is all about motherhood, so turn away if you don't want the ugly, working side of bliss.

About ten years ago I saw a therapist considering why it was so difficult for me to quit my job entirely after becoming a mother. Exhausted, stressed out, (and pre-menopausal, I found out later) -- still hanging on to my part-time job seemed the right thing to do. In reviewing my life I concluded that my single mom (until my age of 12) HAD to work to keep food on the table, and that lingering sense of survival was at the core of me. The ability to feed myself, and now, more importantly, my son. So I worked on in my part-time capacity as employers would allow. Sometimes they insisted I be full-time, and then I would become so wiped out, quitting would be all that was left, and then the company store would offer up part-time. I remained part-time in a freelance capacity until my husband had a heart-attack at a young age, my part-time opportunity was being eliminated because of the Microsoft employee lawsuit, and full-time was all that was offered again. Thinking of possible future heart-attacks, or the unspeakable...I opted for full-time which is where I have been for many years. At least, I concluded, I could care for us, not be blind-sided by chance. I thought it was a clear-headed, mature thing to do.

I also discovered in this quest for figuring out what was the 'right' thing to do, that most woman who had given up their careers for motherhood were having a very difficult time getting back on track. Either no one would hire them because the technology had changed so quickly; they were out of the loop. Or even more devastating ... I saw that some had lost all confidence in their ability to even go out on an interview. I saw this, felt this, and decided at least staying in the loop, at my age, was a prudent choice.

So I worked, volunteered in my son's classes, did the day-care newsletter and then the school newsletter, made elaborate Valentine's for classes, did the parties, and most of the after school activities, cleaned the toilets, the floors, remodeling, gardening and my crafts, when time allowed.

I worked full-time, 9a-5p (just shoot me, okay) ended up spending 2 hours a day commuting. And having a difficult time, because I am not a morning person. Which led me to ask my boss if I could work the crappiest shift in exchange for 4-10 hours days, and was refused. After being told by someone who did not have children, that it would be okay. Tears streamed down my face. I had a melt-down. And an epiphany all at the same time. I realized since becoming a mom, I had been working, scheming, figuring out how to work weird and crazy shifts, days, hours, so that I 'could’ work and be an available mom, involved, a volunteer, all of the mom stuff. Well, if you are waiting for some happy conclusion to all of this, stop reading now. I am still trying to figure it out. How I can make money, have a career, be a mom, be a wife, a daughter, a friend, be a bill-payer, be a gardener, .... without losing my mind. My conclusion; is that, there probably is not definite answer that fits one person. If you are lucky enough to have someone to provide for you, or, fortunate enough to have had reliable male figures in your developing years so you don't have 'issues', or just not care about having a career (and that is okay!). Then, you will probably find this all boring on the happy side of bliss.

Later: Before you think I do it all, I don't. I do need to add, that my mom is here now, and does most of the cooking, laundry, picking up my son from school so he never had to do day-care (I spent my life in day care, and hated it) AND I do have my 4-10 hour days back. After some negotiations. So that makes me a very happy camper.