A widow's message of gratitude

It was a year yesterday since David passed away and it feels like just a moment. I honestly don’t know where the year has gone. It feels like a day since I called David's work to tell them what had just happened. It feels like yesterday since we were putting together the memorial with the kids and family! 

It feels alone here in the house but I am not lonely. Friends and family keep me on the phone, checking in. Sometimes I wake up from a dream of feeling like mom and David are just in the room here and it is very comforting. My neighbors are just as wonderful as ever. Next door neighbor brings in the emptied trash can. Neighbors stop me on the street to check in. I am so thankful to have lived in the same neighborhood for so many years. 

I have been trying to go through David’s belongings but it feels so intrusive and I never get more than 5 minutes into the effort. I have a list of “to do’s”. I am considering giving away David’s airbrush equipment and inks to a school? If you know of any airbrush artist that might be interested, let me know. Or a school’s art department in need? 

Matt and Bri and I have been in discussions about them moving back. Eventually, I will need their help. I find keeping up this big house a little overwhelming. And of course, I do not want to sell it, I want to hold on to it for them. As it is now, I can’t really go anywhere because of Pixie, who is still in mourning and misses David. I don’t want to confuse her anymore. I might be able to travel to see my sister and sister-in-law with backup from them. Of course that means, clearing out much of the unnecessary stuff to make “room” for incoming. So it is time to get busy.

The girls and I talked about the anniversary of David’s death yesterday. They mention how much they miss him daily. Mason said yesterday “She was in shock for many days afterwards, now she feel better but I still miss him everyday”. Noah, is a little more emotional about missing him but talks about great moments with her Pawpaw. They always like to sleep in Pawpaw’s bed when spending the night.

I miss him working behind me and being a part of the Magazine process from afar. It allowed me to feel apart of the world of news after I was laid off and to use my brain. To help him brainstorm about illustration ideas. To be a part of reviewing his magazine as he put it together.

I have been practicing being a hermit, and liking it. I am now the woman that goes outside and yells at the hawks and eagles circling the backyard for a meal. I still yell and curse the news alone, constantly and that keeps me somewhat sane. Or I laugh out loud and say "David did you hear that, that is hysterical" to the air.

The point of this rambling post is to say how thankful I am for all friends, family, neighbors that surrounded us with love, gifts of food, phone calls, concerned and caring comments. It was and IS very comforting. 

With all the work I have done this summer on the yard, with the help of the guy who mows and my kids, it looks great and I think David would be proud.