I was updating my Classmate profile last night, adding a few photos because I am letting my membership lapse. I hardly ever check it or even visit the profile unless they send me an update email. I joined for 3 months. I don't think it is so user-friendly but it is fun to look at classmates names and try to remember their faces. Which brought me around to digging up my yearbooks last night.
I paged through a couple of them mainly focusing on the beautiful faces of girls. Even in the black and white dorky school photos they look luminous, happy, confident. Perfect hair and toothy smiles. They look like they have act together, knew themselves, happy. I was the complete opposite ... uncomfortable in my own skin and surroundings. Did I compensate by being bitchy? Generally, I don't think I was very nice back then, not that I can remember any one act of unkindness. I had a hand full of very close and loyal friends, whom I am still very close. I didn't really have a "boyfriend" although I was blessed to have lots of good male friends. I wonder, I was I not interested in dating them or did I instinctively know they were never ask me out so penciled "boyfriend" of my agenda. I also think seeing M have with his girlfriend at 17 makes me start to think about what age I had a boyfriend. I did have a huge crush on one person for a very long time, more of a long-distance relationship. Even in high school I had unattainable relationship problems, featuring "distance" as the big hurdle. ;)
I felt like such an outsider in all of the high schools I attended. I look awkward in my photos. My hair just as "undone" as it is today. I am comforted to remember that I never had a "hair style" even back then. Why are school memories so painful even when I can't recall details. I feel unsure that I was authentic. But the real question is, do the "beautiful", popular girls have the same feelings about "back then"?
Why am I wasting my Saturday trying to remember this stuff?
Fantin-Latour's Modern Flowers
1 hour ago