I was thinking about this yesterday. How vulnerable I have felt the last year. Not just the pandemic, job loss but also physically. There are so many repairs to do around here, so much "cleaning up" that needs to be done. And when I think about it, I get nervous and scared. And I think, "can I even do that now?"
When David and I bought this house 30+ years ago, no remodeling job seemed impossible. We were young, strong, enthusiastic, we repaired, painted, scraped, hammered for years. (They called us the "hammering Millers" because we would hammer and make noise way into the night, we did most of our remodel after we got home from work). I stayed on a ladder for weeks painting ceilings, dragging Matt in her carrier around with me.
The entrance is very tall. There is a glass lamp hanging, a large window. I cleaned that entrance all the time because it collects dead flies, spider webs, dust. The other day I noticed horrible spider webs hanging down and I thought, I don't think I can drag the vacuum up there with me like I once did. The thought of doing it scared and overwhelmed me.
I have been feeling overwhelmed, nervous, scared for months now. Every time I think about a task that really needs to be done, new carpet, cleaning in tall corners, new fence I almost get breathless with fear. I have been going through this for months now.
The kids talk about doing this big project or that big project, and I try to explain, it is not as simple as talking about it. The last time I replaced carpet in the huge family room, I had to hired a truck to keep the furniture, hire people to help me move the furniture, clear out very heavy furniture. I also painted that time and this was a two week process.
They get frustrated with me because I seem hesitant, I get frustrated with them because they think it is all so simply and I have done it before and know that is not the case. But I understand them ... to them (just like it was for me back then) everything seemed doable.
I guess I have internalizing these fears for months and yesterday when I said it out loud, I felt so much better. One my of best buddies called, she has just turned 70 and we talked about the fears of retirement many times. Yesterday I mentioned my physical fears and she told me she is feeling the same way these days and I felt so relieved. Just another something to process about getting older. I just had not thought about any of these things before, when I was younger, trying to be a good mom and working all the time. I mean, seriously, we don't consider these conditions when we are just trying to get through the day with kids and work and whatever else is going on. I guess, thank God we don't because we would be paralyzed with fear our entire, adult, working lives.
Even when my mom was confined to the upstairs here, I would drive her every where, run her to the door of the doctor, run back to the car, run, run, run to make it all easier for her. I thought I knew how vulnerable she felt, but maybe I really did not.
As Elana and I said yesterday, we will make it through this too. But I just wanted to share. The downfalls of getting old. But I am luckier than many so I am going to count my blessings and start walking more.
(David just added, if you can still write it, you must be okay)
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