I always feel awkward about writing personal stuff on my blog. Ok, I write personal stuff about my grandmother or my love for my son. Sweet personal stuff, but not crappy -- this-is-the-shit-that-happened-today - personal stuff. Because, believe me, I know you guys have that crappy stuff going on and don't need anymore. You know how bad stuff, bad luck, bad things, come in 3's or 7's? I know as a teenager, when I worked at the nursing home, deaths would come in 3's or 7's. That is just the way it was, and we all knew it.
Since Halloween, I have been experiencing the 3's or 7's (is now moving into the teens). When my vacuum cleaner broke on Thanksgiving Day, I thought that was 7. Then the dishwasher went out , was that 8?. The leaky roof, the wall destroyed, my back door disintegrating from rain. ($9,000 for roof repair, $2,400 for a new door). Then many other things happened, some small and some HUGE ... and yes, God, Higher Being, I am keeping count. So my husband had surgery on three vertebrae in his neck and not having a smooth recovery on that. I was thinking now I am at 9 or 10? I have had a very stressful time at work and I was counting that into my block of 3 or 7 bad experiences. But my exhaustion was making my mind play tricks and I keep thinking my counting is off. 3? 5? 7? 11?
Today I talked mom into going Christmas shopping at the mall. I have taken off a couple of extra days because I am so behind on my seasonal shopping. She does not shop but I told her I really needed to "get-into-the-spirit" and she went along with me. She has been going through some very personal stress (which she does not deal with at all!) and having outward physical signs from that ... but agreed to go. So we are driving to my favorite shopping locale, when I look over and see her, pale, sweating, pupils dilated, having cold sweats. I turned the car around and headed to the emergency room where we just spent the last 6 hours. Blood test, x-rays, etc. I faced that fear I have had since I was a small child -- my mother dying. Seeing her lay there in a hospital gown, my scared child was really scared and nothing else matters when you are in that state of mind.
The great news is, I think it is only my mom's anxiety making her ill at the moment and her basic health seems to be fine.
With the extra couple of days I have taken off work to get caught up for the holidays - I have been working on my Christmas card. The most fun I have all year long. So I ran home from the emergency room to work on the cards. Not to go into too many details ... well, maybe I have to to make it understandable. I shot lots of photos to make a small book (O, Christmas tree). When I tried to put it together I realized it wasn't working , but then found 13 in x 19 in film that D had bought me some years back. The cd drawer in the computer I use all the time is broken (for many months ... kids pushed it in) so I saved all the work to the LeCie external and tried to burn a cd from another computer, so I could take the files to my other much older computer downstairs where I can print the 13 in x 19 in ...oh crap, this is not making any sense. The bottom line of this is ... I accidentally trashed and erased all the files for my Christmas card ... so is there the 9th or 10th? 11? 12? I don't know, but I am trying not to take any of it personally. Instead, think of some other idea I can do for my Christmas card that doesn't require to much work, or maybe a New Year's card.
What is that saying about God does not give you more than you can handle. I have kept that in my mind in years past, when my life seemed like more chaos and heartbreak than one person could take. And I am keeping it in mind this very minute. When I want to cry, scream, throw a little tantrum but telling myself it will all be okay.
chez toshi takeuchi
4 hours ago