The reality of death

I have been spending time in the car driving back and forth to Seattle and have been writing this post in my head for a couple of days now. 

It is a little painful but I was talking to another friend who said she had been thinking about the same thing. Death. At my age, I think about death a lot, not in a morbid sense but the thing of what is to come. And I saw my old place of work from the highway and was thinking about the loss of my job. Then I was insulted by a friend of mine and decided I don't think we can be friends anymore. Another death, death of a long-time friendship. I have experienced lots of death with the ending of my relationships with friends and family in this political climate. The loss, the feeling of loss really took shape in my brain. Death of family, death of spouse, of parents, of careers, of jobs, of friendships. These things just happen at our age, it is inevitable and coming to terms with it is the healthy way to go. 

I  brought this up with another friend who wishes I wouldn't be negative about life but I don't see this as "negative", I see this as acceptance.

Ending a friendship is painful but when you have been shown how that friend really feels about you, you must take action. 

I am not afraid of dying. The kids and I talk about it all the time. I want us all to be prepared for it will happen, if we want it to or not. In the meantime, we have a great life we are living in the here and now. I think us all watching David pass, laying on the grass in the backyard made life and death even that much more real. I lost Pixie not long ago, a 16 year relationship. We all know how painful a death of a beloved pet can be. I held my mom's hand as she passed away here in her bedroom, then Matt and I stood at the end of the bed, crying and saying goodbye. 

And even though these losses are hard, I feel privileged to having been there, being a part of their lives until the end. Mason and Noah talk of David daily as if he was just in the other room. We tell stories and laugh at his expense. We all have great memories and I am glad we share them with each other.

I am also hoping as I end my long-time friendship that I can think of her in the future with love in my heart and remember all the memorable times we spent together. But when someone shows you how they feel, revealing a truth that they had not meant to ...  how can you ever go back?

We are also giving David's old Subaru away to a family member in need of a vehicle. The car has been sitting in the driveway for years. And as much as I hate to see it go, it is really time. 

Matt was cleaning it out and told me that the interior smelled just like David and I should go out and "have a sniff". Matt cleaned out 100's of cash cards, loyalty cards, gift cards, he came in with a huge stack of them. I was thinking how many places that car has taken David and I and Matt over the years. Back and forth to Winthrop to the skate park every weekend. Matt and I going on Oregon trips on the weekends. David and I taking out road trips. It was a very good car for almost 30 years!

On a brigher note, Bri has been faithfully feeding the birds and our yard is the most popular in the entire neighborhood. We have a flock of bushtits that fly in and out, flickers, chickadees. It all makes me happy! And a couple of visiting squirrels that keep the cats at the door window in a riot.