Reality checks in

Today was a good day for a reality check. 

Yesterday, the girls wanted to spend the night. We talked about it for days. We spent the afternoon at the Seattle Aquarian. Because I DID not read through the website about parking (make note), I ended up spending 40+ dollars on parking many blocks away. The girls spent about 40 minutes running through all the exhibits, wanted $15 rock candy (which I tried to talk them out of) and then ice cream cone, about $15.00. With the $60.00 tickets, that was a $120.00+ day. I keep telling myself it is for the Seattle economy to make me feel better. 

 

Needless to say, I got a bunch of steps in that day. I came home exhausted. We order Mod Pizza on Door Dash. They took a long bubble bath and we were settling in for bedtime. About sleepy time, Noah begins crying that she wanted her mommy. After trying to settle her down, the kids came over to collect them for the night. By that time, I just wanted a glass of wine and my pillow. 

Today was spent going through hidden credit cards and totals that David owes. As I have mentioned many times, David loved to spend money. Which was worrying but when I made a 6 figure salary, was not a HUGE problem. But a big worry. Lately, I should have been more insistent about knowing who, what, how much. So today I found out how much on some that I could find. And it was not pretty. On top of which, I am getting some huge medical bills for the last months of medical procedures.

As my best friend said, I should put on his gravestone (if he was to have one) "Good thing I died of natural causes, otherwise, my wife would be in prison for manslaughter".

But I really only have myself to blame for not being more insistent of knowing all the details.  

So my other reality check is having help. When the kids moved out I told them, I will never see you. Of course they said "you will see us all the time". I said "you have your own house and repairs and yard to mow, it will be very different". 

David and I have been asking them to return the pressure washer they borrowed in the beginning of summer and it is still not back over here. I sent another text today asking for it back. This time, I said, I am going to hire someone to help me clean up the driveway and front stairs before the rain comes. 

My Honeysuckle fell down TWO YEARS ago and David and Matt said every weekend they would get it back up on the trellis. It still lays on the ground, just hardly surviving. I have decided I will just have to take that up for myself and hire someone to help me.

I am not upset or mad. I knew the kids would be too busy with their own lives,  kids, yards, grass mowing, dogs, dinners ... to worry about what is going on over here. I was very spoiled when they lived here. Matt was here to help when he could.

I just must get tougher, like I used to be. I have gotten soft, dependent, but not helpless.

My wonderful neighbor invited me over for cocktails night before last. Two other neighbors joined us and we had a good visit over wine and cheese and apples. It was good to join the land of the living.

I don't know why I am sharing the good, bad and the ugly. I just want to remember what the F is going on in my life right now when everyday feels like a bad movie. I realized today I have been a "widow" for 2 weeks today.

Mason and I had a great talk about the night that David died in the backyard. We went over every detail from her perspective.  

Next week, I need to make sure I sign up for Medicare supplement for medication. I think I managed to get signed up for Medicare. Return bags and bags of merchandise that David purchased the last couple of weeks from Walgreens; Bed, Bath and Beyond; Home Depot. Start writing my Thank You cards for all the wonderful flowers, gifts, food, etc that I have been receiving.

Should I???