While I was taking a shower today, I closed my eyes and felt like I was standing, tippy-toed at the edge of a big black hole. Thinking, I want to break down crying, screaming, wrap myself up in a blanket and not to venture out for months. But I can't, which is also my dilemma, why can't I fall apart?
Years before, in the very next room, I watched my mom take her last breath and as much as I wanted to collapse in a inconsolable heap on the floor, I did not allow myself. Instead, my son and I stood there, tightly held hands the last seconds of her life, crying in silence. This was the nightmare I had had my entire life, losing my mom ... when I was a little kid, losing my mom with no one there to take care of me was my worst fear. So now, my nightmare had come true, just in my late 50's. I really always thought I too would die the second my mom took her last breath, but I didn't. I waited for that to happen as my son held my hand.
And when I got the phone call that my brother had died, I thought, I will fall apart now. But because I had prepared myself for his untimely death for so many years ... I did not. I cried but I did not fall into the big black hole.
Today, as I filled out job applications with no one even bothering to respond for the last 6 months, I was thinking, I could work at QFC or Safeway for the next year or two. I am not above that. And then I told David, I guess, if they don't hire me, I could do Costco or McDonalds, to continue my rapid decline downhill. And that was when I felt a little like crying, falling into a pity party of epic proportions. I wanted to cry, scream and go to a place where I did not have to come back ... but for some reason, I can't allow myself to do that. WHY can't I completely lose my shit?
I don't talk to my family too much about how scared I am that I feel like I am being forced into retirement because of Covid-19? Because I am old and grey? Because I am not qualified for their job? Because I don't want to go back to school and commit to learn UX and UI design and design websites for the next 6 years of my working life? My husband does know how frustrated I am and he tells me, retire and do what you want to do, art. But a new 11K roof needed, a 6K replacement deck (ours is literally rotting), and many other costly projects around the house makes me think I should keep working for a year or two. Not to mention, David and I need a new car, or at least a car that starts, or has heat.
To be fair, David and I both have very generous savings, IRA's, etc. So I hate to whine and complain too much. It could be much worse for us. I think about retired people in our socioeconomic situation and how they get get by. If I start taking my SS retirement my next birthday, it will be $300 less then it would be if I waited until I was 66.4 years of age. I mean $300 could be an health insurance payment or a car payment or a heating bill? These are the questions that I did not think I would be making at this point of my life, but there lies the problem. I have not looked retirement in the last couple of years squarely in the eyes and have an honest conversation about the future.
I love getting all of this off my chest in my journal. I hope someday my family will actually read my blog and think ... "oh, that was what she was thinking/feeling?" I love this blog (have always called it my best friend), my way of keeping tabs of what is going on in my life ... as silly as it all is. And I do have my family here, close to me, as painful as that it sometimes (big puppies, shitty diapers, markers on the wall and all) to love me, support me, and be with me. So, maybe this is all a mute point. ;)
When it came to be Time for these questions and decisions- I retired at 65 because I was going to get the lowest amount. Husband worked the extra years and got almost triple what I get. And guess what- it all worked out. Not working is less expensive than working- who knew??? We do something to the house every so often- not all in the same year. We each have an IRA. We now have to take annual money out. We use that. What I want to say--it works out. It just does if you have had good jobs. I wouldn't be able to live on my social security- I never made more than $12 an hour and never worked full time. But my husband had excellent jobs and like I said worked until the maximum payout age.
ReplyDeleteOur parents, and all but one sibling have passed. This COVID thing is hard to deal with. It's lonely. You are blessed to have your family in the same house with you!!! I have only waved at my daughter as she stands outside and waves to us. We text and call each other. No in person contact. She works in a busy place- too much contact.
I am glad to hear that Joanne! I think, deep down, I am just scared about retiring! I just never gave it that much thought and now it seems like it is all I think about ;)
ReplyDeleteI am sorry to hear you can visit your daughter! I am blessed to have them here, for sure. Sometimes it makes me a little nervous because they work outside the house. When do you get vaccinated?? I can't wait for us all to get through this and think "We survived this pandemic!" xoxoxox!!!! Thank you for your reassurance.