Tuesday, May 29, 2018
Sunday, May 27, 2018
Tuning into nature, turning off the news
For the very first time since last November, I turned off the news. In disgust.
No longer able to listen to the bullshit coming out of trump's white house and mouth. In the quiet, I listened to the birds. Watched our new cat, Finn, play in a paper sack in the yard. Deadheaded the hydrangeas. Swore at my husband in my head for cutting down the grapes while I was not home. Looked over into the new neighbors yard, now with a "complete and unadulterated" view from lack of said grapes. Followed a bee's path around the yard. Small white petals fell from the Snowball like snow in the summer, covering the ground. Gazed up at the warm sun and thought, this is a perfect moment. Grabbed this moment and hold on tight.
Decided to put on some of zen music that I have been not been interested in some time.
I have another day off of work, the luxury of waking up when I want, drinking coffee slowly from a cup and not in the car, behind the wheel. Binge watch Midsomer Mystery Season 20. Remember when the only way Mom and I could watch all the seasons was when I had to buy the complete sets on Amazon. Now, on Amazon Prime and BritBox, anything is possible.
No longer able to listen to the bullshit coming out of trump's white house and mouth. In the quiet, I listened to the birds. Watched our new cat, Finn, play in a paper sack in the yard. Deadheaded the hydrangeas. Swore at my husband in my head for cutting down the grapes while I was not home. Looked over into the new neighbors yard, now with a "complete and unadulterated" view from lack of said grapes. Followed a bee's path around the yard. Small white petals fell from the Snowball like snow in the summer, covering the ground. Gazed up at the warm sun and thought, this is a perfect moment. Grabbed this moment and hold on tight.
Decided to put on some of zen music that I have been not been interested in some time.
I have another day off of work, the luxury of waking up when I want, drinking coffee slowly from a cup and not in the car, behind the wheel. Binge watch Midsomer Mystery Season 20. Remember when the only way Mom and I could watch all the seasons was when I had to buy the complete sets on Amazon. Now, on Amazon Prime and BritBox, anything is possible.
Saturday, May 26, 2018
Friday, May 25, 2018
Meeting my sister, Susan!
My sister, Susan, came to visit!
It was emotional from the first second of seeing her. She looks so much like "mom" and that was a little jolting. Her fun, sweet outlook of life, much like mom. Her hair, her smile, her eyes, her love of jewelry, her happy personality ... all very familiar to me. The one thing I caught myself saying was "my mom did this, or "my mom was this", realizing that this was her mom as well. It hurt me when I found myself saying it and quickly corrected that. Yes, this woman, I knew all my life, had a daughter I never knew about. Mind BLOWN.
Going through documents, Mom's second marriage was on Susan's birthday? Coincidence? Seems weird. My brother's first passport (he was born on December 10th) had his birthday on December 17th, weird Freudian Slip? Maybe?
It hurts to my core that mom never felt like she could share this with the rest of her family. I can only imagine the shame and hurt she experienced, but wouldn't have it been wonderful for all of us to reunite at this point in our lives. To have so many questions answered, to have some unity to a family divided 60 years ago? I regret so much that mom was not here, to meet, hug, talk, laugh and come together in an understanding that life is not always fair for woman in the 1950's. That hard decisions are made that can be taken back. That mom could have had some reassurance that Susan has a good life, is an amazing person and held no ill will towards her.
We can't change that. Mom is gone. But Susan and I have each other and we can only go forward. I think about being in an alternate universe where she is going to High School and having experiences, and me doing the same in another state, all the while, having a sister I did not have a clue about. It is almost more than my brain can comprehend.
We held hands and hugged a lot. It felt good. We looked at photos, her life, my life. We shared memories of our lives. I met my niece, Lauren, who also came to visit. We did a little Seattle sight-seeing, visiting some of my favorite places. Matt was very emotional because Susan looks and sounds very much like mom, and he misses her. Frankly, we were all just blown away.
But we both wake up in the middle of the night and think "I have a sister". She knew she had a sister and was looking for her for many years, and me, never knowing I had one. Life is full of surprises! Blessed ones, as it turns out.
In typical sister-fashion, she kept telling me to smile. But as I pointed out, she inherited the perfect smile and I did not ... ')
It was emotional from the first second of seeing her. She looks so much like "mom" and that was a little jolting. Her fun, sweet outlook of life, much like mom. Her hair, her smile, her eyes, her love of jewelry, her happy personality ... all very familiar to me. The one thing I caught myself saying was "my mom did this, or "my mom was this", realizing that this was her mom as well. It hurt me when I found myself saying it and quickly corrected that. Yes, this woman, I knew all my life, had a daughter I never knew about. Mind BLOWN.
Going through documents, Mom's second marriage was on Susan's birthday? Coincidence? Seems weird. My brother's first passport (he was born on December 10th) had his birthday on December 17th, weird Freudian Slip? Maybe?
It hurts to my core that mom never felt like she could share this with the rest of her family. I can only imagine the shame and hurt she experienced, but wouldn't have it been wonderful for all of us to reunite at this point in our lives. To have so many questions answered, to have some unity to a family divided 60 years ago? I regret so much that mom was not here, to meet, hug, talk, laugh and come together in an understanding that life is not always fair for woman in the 1950's. That hard decisions are made that can be taken back. That mom could have had some reassurance that Susan has a good life, is an amazing person and held no ill will towards her.
We can't change that. Mom is gone. But Susan and I have each other and we can only go forward. I think about being in an alternate universe where she is going to High School and having experiences, and me doing the same in another state, all the while, having a sister I did not have a clue about. It is almost more than my brain can comprehend.
We held hands and hugged a lot. It felt good. We looked at photos, her life, my life. We shared memories of our lives. I met my niece, Lauren, who also came to visit. We did a little Seattle sight-seeing, visiting some of my favorite places. Matt was very emotional because Susan looks and sounds very much like mom, and he misses her. Frankly, we were all just blown away.
But we both wake up in the middle of the night and think "I have a sister". She knew she had a sister and was looking for her for many years, and me, never knowing I had one. Life is full of surprises! Blessed ones, as it turns out.
In typical sister-fashion, she kept telling me to smile. But as I pointed out, she inherited the perfect smile and I did not ... ')
Ex-Texan angry white woman
As much of the world, I watched the first day of Trump announcing his presidential bid by demeaning Mexican and Mexican Americans in disgust. And every day of his campaign and hence his presidency has been nothing but the biggest embarrassment that the United States as ever experienced. It is obvious to anyone reading news other than Fox News, that he has been money laundering for the Russians for many, many years. He is making money off of his presidency as well as his family, which he has installed in the White House as "advisors". To most of us, the entire sham is a slap in the face. Not to even mention the corporations "investing" millions to Trump's businesses, the porn star payoffs that the evangelist have given him a "mulligan" for, China investing in his Indonesia real estate, the list is too extensive talk about here. But if you want to keep up, you should read Amy Siskind's list of Trump's doings.
I ignored his "birther" conspiracy crap thinking that the rest of America would see it as ridiculous campaign to further his exposure on television (particularly right wing), hence his "brand". It is hard for me to wrap my head around smart Americans would think that Barack Obama was not an American citizen. Even some of my friends from college would go "Meh, (shoulder shrugging) you never know" and I would immediately get "unfriended" and scratched off my Christmas list. I am not fucking joking around about pushing this false propaganda at the expense of our democracy.
Speaking of "unfriending" folks. I have unfriended, and stopped communicating with most of my family and high school and college friends, you got it, from Texas. I don't feel badly about this. I don't feel sad about this. I feel that I am standing up for what I think is right and just for this country. I have heard since I can remember from most of my Texas family, "they are going to take our guns away" while they continue to buy guns and shoot their guns. No one has ever knocked on their door and asked for their guns. The entire conversation I would have with my family about their fear of their guns being taken away would leave me speechless and laughing. I distinctly remember a conversation I had on a phone call with my father and step-mother about government coming after their guns after I suggested that I did not think automatic weapons were appropriate in our society. This was after some (one of many) school shootings and I was outraged. They talked about how they needed to defend themselves against ???, never did figure out from what, unless it was a Mexican or and African American coming after them in their very white neighborhood in the outskirts of Dallas. I told them that I didn't even know what you are talking about. I have never felt the need to have a gun in my home. I do not feel threatened, I do not see anyone as a threat and that I felt sorry for them if they felt like that every day of their lives. Ignorant fear like that is a poor excuse NOT to have reasonable background checks on potential gun owners and reconsidering automatic guns at large in our society.
I have told my family not to contact me again, ever. I am sick (and tired) of the racist, mentally unhealthy paranoia that they live in. I have heard it my entire life. So you ask, "Why now", why take a this drastic step now to excommunicate your family and friends? Because we have all watched this history unfold before during the rise of Hitler. Who stood up then against what they knew was wrong and did not speak up and how many people died in the wake of that?
I am angry. I don't mind talking about it. I don't stop tweeting about it and putting all the ridiculous stuff going on in this administration on Facebook. I am not sorry I ditched my family. I feel sorry for them. I feel sorry for my friends who think Tomi Lahren is a good example of "speaking the truth". As all of Fox News, she is a racist, full of base-baiting bullshit spewing it out the their racist viewers. And I am sure my father is sitting on his recliner, in the Texas heat, watching, nodding his head, agreeing with every disgusting word that falls out of her mouth, as he cleans his guns that no one has taken away from him. I just wonder how I can be related to him in any possible way?
And one other note. HOW can the NRA be a tax-exempt entity? I think THAT should come to an end.
It feels good to rant. I might do it more often, here on my blog. I miss my blog.
I ignored his "birther" conspiracy crap thinking that the rest of America would see it as ridiculous campaign to further his exposure on television (particularly right wing), hence his "brand". It is hard for me to wrap my head around smart Americans would think that Barack Obama was not an American citizen. Even some of my friends from college would go "Meh, (shoulder shrugging) you never know" and I would immediately get "unfriended" and scratched off my Christmas list. I am not fucking joking around about pushing this false propaganda at the expense of our democracy.
Speaking of "unfriending" folks. I have unfriended, and stopped communicating with most of my family and high school and college friends, you got it, from Texas. I don't feel badly about this. I don't feel sad about this. I feel that I am standing up for what I think is right and just for this country. I have heard since I can remember from most of my Texas family, "they are going to take our guns away" while they continue to buy guns and shoot their guns. No one has ever knocked on their door and asked for their guns. The entire conversation I would have with my family about their fear of their guns being taken away would leave me speechless and laughing. I distinctly remember a conversation I had on a phone call with my father and step-mother about government coming after their guns after I suggested that I did not think automatic weapons were appropriate in our society. This was after some (one of many) school shootings and I was outraged. They talked about how they needed to defend themselves against ???, never did figure out from what, unless it was a Mexican or and African American coming after them in their very white neighborhood in the outskirts of Dallas. I told them that I didn't even know what you are talking about. I have never felt the need to have a gun in my home. I do not feel threatened, I do not see anyone as a threat and that I felt sorry for them if they felt like that every day of their lives. Ignorant fear like that is a poor excuse NOT to have reasonable background checks on potential gun owners and reconsidering automatic guns at large in our society.
I have told my family not to contact me again, ever. I am sick (and tired) of the racist, mentally unhealthy paranoia that they live in. I have heard it my entire life. So you ask, "Why now", why take a this drastic step now to excommunicate your family and friends? Because we have all watched this history unfold before during the rise of Hitler. Who stood up then against what they knew was wrong and did not speak up and how many people died in the wake of that?
I am angry. I don't mind talking about it. I don't stop tweeting about it and putting all the ridiculous stuff going on in this administration on Facebook. I am not sorry I ditched my family. I feel sorry for them. I feel sorry for my friends who think Tomi Lahren is a good example of "speaking the truth". As all of Fox News, she is a racist, full of base-baiting bullshit spewing it out the their racist viewers. And I am sure my father is sitting on his recliner, in the Texas heat, watching, nodding his head, agreeing with every disgusting word that falls out of her mouth, as he cleans his guns that no one has taken away from him. I just wonder how I can be related to him in any possible way?
And one other note. HOW can the NRA be a tax-exempt entity? I think THAT should come to an end.
It feels good to rant. I might do it more often, here on my blog. I miss my blog.
