Tuesday, July 26, 2011

Looking back, looking forward

Yesterday I took my mom to the ER in Everett. Two weeks ago we spent the entire day there waiting for her to have Ct Scan ... Yesterday, I decided to run errands while she was waiting.

My errand: buying staples for Matt to have in his new place. His new place. They found a place to move to about two weeks ago. I am excited, I have saved all kinds stuff, furniture and kitchen items for this day to come. But when they told me a couple of weeks ago, I listened with enthusiasm, then headed to the garage to have a good cry. But Matt followed me down to ask a question and so my cry was postponed, suppressed for a later time.

I found plenty of bargains on peanut butter, toilet paper, honey, sugar, flour ... you know the things one will need to survive. I was feeling happy with myself at my last stop ... jumped into the car and when the words formed in my head, then came out of my mouth ... 'Matt is moving out' ... I started to cry, the uncontrollable, ugly cry. The kind that you can't stop. The kind that when someone in the car next to you looks over, they get worried. Cried all the way back to the hospital. The nurse asked me if I was okay. I explained my pre-empty-nest attack.

Last night, I let Matt and Bri pick out dishes they wanted to take with them. Picking, packing, panicking. They are only 10 minutes away. I know we will see him often. I know they want to spend time here with us. It is just ... that our son will not be sleeping in his bedroom, where he as slept for the last 20 years. I am worried they won't be able to afford their new lives. Who will cook for them? Will their laundry be done? Who will tell him to be safe when he leaves the house? I won't be able to tell him "I love you" every night at bedtime.

A little photo album of the last 20 years started flipping through my brain ... just little snippets of him at different ages. The bunny he wouldn't go anywhere without. That time he was running through the sprinkles, having lunch and taking naps in the backyard fort, pulling them in the red wagon to the local park, Halloween with his Frankenstein mask, watching him play baseball, basketball, paintball, soccer, trombone. All the hours we spent watching him skate, driving him through Oregon in search of new skate parks. Watching him earn his black belt, winning skating trophies. When he thought he was Batman and when he wore his Gargoyle outfit everywhere. And just as it was a flipbook ... it seems to have gone that quickly. I want to flip through it again and again and have all of those moments back! I keep wondering how it went so fast. How did that happen? When I was looking through all of our photos, David asked me what I was looking for and I cried out through my sobbing ... I am looking for where the time has gone. (Pixel ran up to check on me and lick my tears away.)

I will write him a letter and tell him how proud I am to be his mother. How much fun it is being his mom. How he has made our lives so much more than we thought it would ever be. How he has been a joy to us from the minute of his birth. I can't remember one bad moment with him, one moment that I wasn't overjoyed to have him as my son.


This is his beginning of his adult life, exciting, challenging ... for them looking forward, not back. And I will text him with my new smartphone every night that I love him before I go to sleep.























12 comments:

Anonymous said...

This almost put me in tears. Great pictures. You are a wonderful mom. Ruth

Maxinetoo said...

You just made me cry. The pics are great ... my fav is the tongues sticking out. :) Yes, you are a wonderful Mom! xoxo

Erin Wilson said...

I hope you're mum's okay...

And it's really lovely that you have so many wonderful, rich memories with your son. Seems like a perfect base to build a new kind of relationship. I know... doesn't make it any easier to stop crying though.

kate nelson said...

I remember us changing his diaper on my mom's bed and pausing to look at his perfect little body, a moment that stretched out and imprinted itself on my brain. That was last month, right? And then, when he was two, getting down on all fours and making raspy "Raah! Raah!" sounds to play dinosaurs on the kitchen floor. I think that was last week...

Kim Carney said...

Thank you !!!! I think I have cried myself out. ;) so all is good!
Yes, Aunt Kate, that was last week ;0

xoxoxoxoxox

Kerstin Svendsen said...

me too on the crying. that's about the sweetest post ever kim.

Kim Carney said...

xoxo Shash! The more they borrow from this house to take to the new ... the more I feel like I could just move in over there ;)

GrandmaPMC said...

My favorite memory should have been a video- Matthew just 12 months old pushing a stool around the kitchen and hall stopping every 12 steps or so to preach the best hell-fire and damnation sermon anyone ever heard - complete with arm waving. The pics were all good memories. luv Grandma

Kim Carney said...

remember his favorite two drawers in the kitchen where he "stored" his bowls and toys? ;)

Kitchen-Dreams said...

i cried for months before my son and daughter left for college. then on and off for weeks. it's so hard and an adjustment. i still cry remembering it but there are no more constant tears. just lots of fun having adult children. you'll feel better, but embrace the process...which it seems like you are.

Amy said...

Kim, as I was reading this post, tears welling up, it occurred to me that as parents we must spend most of our time wondering where the time went! I am at the half way point of this journey with Logan (he's ten now. Ten!) I catch myself looking back on how far we've come in these ten short years and it takes my breath away. And then I wonder what he'll do and how he'll be in the coming years and, man, I just can't wait to see! Great post! Thanks for sharing it :).

Kim Carney said...

Thank you Kitchen Dreams! It is getting easier. And, it makes it easier that I see him at least twice a day ;) (just to make sure he is okay) ;)

Yes Amy ... The time! Time culprit. I was thinking, Matt was 12 when I started blogging. I have seen you give birth and your kids grow. It all goes waaaayyy to fast! I think it felt sudden, although I had been mentally preparing for a year. I was trying to remember what I felt like when I flew the nest, back in the day ... and keep my mind there in that excitement of growing up instead of my empty-nest-pain. And that is really helping. It isn't like I ever left my parents very far behind! As long as I am babysitting puppy, I am guaranteed a twice-a-day-son-sighting.

It is all good ;)