Tuesday, May 09, 2006

Sullen Self - SPT 05.09

Self-Portrait Tuesday has changed to Self-Portrait Challenge. This is the second part of my introduction. I feel like I have all ready told many aspects of myself in previous SPT, and I certainly don't want to be redundant.

I remember being a very sullen, intense little girl and looking at the photographs confirms that memory. I don't think I was always unhappy but I looked liked I was. I was the only child of a divorced mom until I was 12. So, that cemented the "loner" part of my personality. My mom dressed me like a little princess. Dresses that had crinoline slips. I was not allowed to "get dirty" which explains why I love to live in paint clothes today.

I have to admit I always felt different from everyone else. Not so much better, but set apart. Not a part of the world as I see it. Never a part of the world that I wanted to be a part of, that part always seemed to shun me. My mom dated a man for many years whom I adored and wanted them to get married so he could be my dad. They did not and I finally came to terms with all of that at the age of 30! I was close to my dad and step-mom but did not see them on a daily basis. My mom did eventually remarry, a good father to me, but a raging alcoholic which only got worse with age. They eventually divorced, but that is another terrible story of pain including my half-brother battling his own drug/alcohol addictions.

the intense me

Barbie and me

I have always felt, even now, that I am on the outside looking into life. I wish I could feel I was on the inside. I try to change that, but still, things happen that confirm that I feel like an alien. I consider myself a "loner" and being with animals is always a comfort. I felt perfectly at ease riding by myself in a pasture, just the sound of the wind and the scent of weeds scorching in a hot Texas sun.

on the inside looking out

cowgirl days

I believe in justice and fairness, am often sorely disappointed in the world and people on those two scores. I have been on the wrong side of relationships many times and am shocked how easily people can break hearts, use people for their own gains, and go on living with themselves as if they had done nothing wrong. And I will not even go into shocking world events that keeps my sense of justice in a whirlwind all the time. I am disgusted why we adore movie stars, cling to their every move, word but not everyday people who really do something noteworthy with their lives.

me -  the outlaw

I was an outlaw in my 20's. Had the best time, had wonderful, crazy friends. Had as many best male friends as female best friends. Was a homecoming queen x 2. Never sure how that happened. But I came out of my sullen self. Majored in art and stayed in school far longer than I should have. I loved living in the academic world. Looking back I wish I had taken it all more seriously, but I didn't and can't change it now. There are just some things in your life you must accept as they are and understand that they developed who you are now.

I love warm sea water, sealife, suntans, bathing suits, scuba diving, finding shells at the beach. But I have not done any of those things in many, many years. I spent many teenage years on an island in the Mediterrean and lived at the beach. That was heaven. I finally got a glimpse of who I could be when I was in my early 30's. I finally became strong, self-confident, independent with a sense of what I wanted in my life. Never allowing anyone to take advantage of me, never depending on another for financial security, or personal happiness. And about that point, I became a mother. Thankfully, I had discovered myself, my patience was firmly established, my party days were over. It was a good time for me to meet my husband and start a family. And although I did not think I wanted children, I have had the time of my life being a mother, learned what is truly important. Now, that might have been as much as I have ever written in on of my post - are you still awake?

on the boat

confrontation

25 comments:

penelope said...

WOW. That was beautifullly written. You are amazing and you inspire me so much!

Kim Carney said...

Thank you Penelope, it feels a little strange revisiting and rehashing my life like that.

Camilla Engman said...

You look lovely, you write lovely. You seem like a lovely person.

Amy said...

Such great photos and a great life story too. Lovely on the inside and outside too. Thanks for sharing.

Ruth said...

Oh Kim, what a great story, you are also a natural writer. Love the pictures, especially the first and last. You were a serious little girl.

Liquid Sky Arts said...

wherever did you get the notion that you are boring?! That is so untrue! I love these glimpses into your past, you've led a very colorful life! :)

andrea said...

Ok you need to write a book. That was so interesting to read. I loved looking at the pictures, you were, ARE so beautiful. Inside and out.
a.

la vie en rose said...

you are stunning kim! absolutely stunning. and your story is amazing...one i can relate to!!! i admire you in so many, many ways!

Kim's Suitcase said...

yes wow, what a wonderful post thanks for that!

Snowbear said...

thanks for sharing with us; loved this post. Great photos too--pretty hot babe,eh?
:-)

Curt said...

I had to do a "nude self-portrait" for a college photography class. Of course, being unimaginative college kids, we all put our cameras on tripods, took off our clothes and took photos. We never got on to the idea that "nude" or "naked" could have many meanings.

This was definitely a "naked" self-portrait ... you put yourself out there, told some truth and told what you'd learned. Cool!

I think I'm finally ready for that college assignment.

Lee said...

A great journey. Thank you. Loved the photos of a transforming Kim.

firstborn studio said...

you gorgeous woman you....your beauty truly shines from within & out through that fabulous bone structure,those deep expressive eyes...your amazing writing...thanks,kim!

tracey said...

You look so strong and beautiful in your photos. Thank you for sharing so much of yourself and so honestly.

kelly said...

those pictures are priceless...you exude confidence, independence and a loving soul!

Rachel said...

Your life has been as beautiful and strong as your gaze.

Deb R said...

That was a fascinating post and some lovely photos.

phlegmfatale said...

Yup, still beautiful. Btw, the photo of you on the horse is the most like Dianne I've ever seen you look. Oh, and you've always been my super hero wonderwoman critter!

athena said...

and WOW what a babe, Kim!

herself said...

Wide awake and loving your story and photos. Don't most of us feel alien as a child?!

Linda said...

Kimmy - That was definitely an enjoyable inside look at an enjoyable person. You are an inspiring, beautiful individual who has come into her own.

Kim Carney said...

GOSH everyone! THANK YOU and (for thinking I am inspiring). Okay Herself, but are we suppose to feel like an alien when we grow up?

Joanne S said...

Now that was a self portrait. I was drawn into your world--skillful writing- and the pictures were a strong element. If this had been the first few pages of a book--I wouldn't have been able to stop reading.

My own life was like yours. I was often afraid, sullen, lonely. Wasted my college years, but loved the freedom.

LeS said...

Kim, it is so nice to 'meet' at least some of you. What beautiful photos of you through the years...might 'borrow' that idea someday.

(also, thanks for stopping by and commenting :)

Kristen said...

Wow, an incredible piece, Kim! I love your photos! So beautiful! Thank you for being so open through your writing...